A Change of Seasons

Wow, with a blink of an eye, fall has arrived. The leaves are changing, the corn and soy beans have been harvested, and the mums have been planted. Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I love watching mother nature do her work and change from one scene to another. The beauty in the change of seasons is something to awe over.

I was able to capture some of the beautiful fall changes while Brian and I went out to get our mums and pumpkins.


However, this year I am having a hard time with the change. I feel like the change from one season to another means we are moving further away from the time we spent with our son. I feel as though with the change in seasons, there is a piece of Wyatt that we are forgetting, or losing.

While planting the mums, I had to come inside. I was crying because we tore out all of the remaining flowers from the summer to clear room for the mums. Something small, yes. But, planting the summer flowers was something that Brian, Wyatt and I all did together. I will never forget that day. So many flowers, and I couldn't even bend down to lay them out. I should have known then that something was wrong, but I didn't. So, tearing out the remaining flowers and planting the mums brought tears to my eyes, because he wasn't there to do it with us.

This is something that is going to get me with the change of every season, every holiday, every family event. So, as I have been strong in the past, I will continue to deal with these changes and be strong.

Fall is a beautiful season. It was the season when Brian and I were married, the first new season since our son became an angel, and it is a season of change.

Change which is something that will be a part of my life forever.

Life Story

Four years ago today, I was marrying the love of my life. It was a night to remember and a day that I will never forget. Many events took place, but the one I remember and will forever, is the fact that I lost my wedding ring on my wedding day. Oh, what a story. And we finally found it months later, after we went and bought another one. And four years ago today, was a day that started another chapter.

I would have never guessed that my life story would have had so many chapters. So many good, bad, and tragic chapters. But that is the way our book has been written. It's my life, our life. We didn't have the power to write everything ourselves, but we have had the chance to read it all.

Although Brian and I have been married today for four years, we have been together for eleven. If someone would have asked me eleven years ago what our life story would look like, I would have never thought it would have looked like it does.

Don't get me wrong, we are happy. We love each other and care about each other. But there are some chapters in our story that just shouldn't be there. If we could tear out the pages and start the chapter again, it would be nice.

At the same time, there are other chapters of the book that are just too short. One chapter ended without a proper ending. A few others started but never got any where. And countless others, just don't make sense.

Everyone has a book full of chapters. Some happy, some sad, some tragic. Some complete, some not so. Regardless, the chapters are put together to form a story. A story of love, of marriage, of family, of friendship, of trust, of life.

Our story, though not what we planned, is our story. It is not someone else's story, but it is our very own life story. One that will be ours forever! One that we will live to its fullest to ensure we have a happily ever after.

Mirror of Life

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you. ~ Wally Amos

Before Brian and I lost our son, Wyatt, my life was nothing but chaotic. Between work, family, friends, our house and daily routines, every single second of the entire day was consumed. There wasn't much time to just enjoy each other.

Prior to getting married in 2006, the Catholic church required Brian and I to attend a marriage class. I remember during one of the sessions, the instructor was discussing the fact that once two become one, it becomes tough to divide your time. He said "you will need to divide your time between both of your families, all of your friends, both of your jobs, and after that is complete you will both want to spend time with each other." I remember sitting in the class and thinking, I will never run out of time to spend with Brian. I will always put Brian first.

Over the past few months, I have realized that our marriage class instructor was so right. Sadly, up until the loss of our son, we didn't spend the "right" amount of time with each other. The time we did spend with each other was spent the wrong way. We were rushed. Everything was rushed. Conversations, dinners, weekends, and life.

We even tired to rush a family. After 26 months of trying to conceive on our own and with medications, we finally resorted to IVF. It worked. But in the end, God took our life plans back into his control. You see, we tired to take control of our lives and make our family happen, but God decided it wasn't the right time. We rushed life again, but this time we were corrected for it.

Over the past few months, I have learned that life isn't about rushing. It isn't about pleasing everyone or getting everything that you want when you want it. No, it is about enjoying every single moment. Taking time to enjoy life around you. And understanding your life plan that you have no control over as it was prepared for you before birth.

I suppose I never saw patience in myself prior to our loss. I don't believe I ever saw as much strength in myself either. I never saw the beauty of life nor did I ever understand the importance of balancing my time. Over the past three months, I have developed a great deal of patience and strength. I was sadly introduced to the beauty of life in a way that no parent should ever have to be introduced. I was able to learn more about myselfand this all led me to understand the "mirror of life".

Mr. Amos is correct. Life is mearly a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside you.

House to Home

Every Sunday my mom cooks and our family heads there for dinner. Our family, as in everyone. It's nice, because that is about the only day each week when I get to catch up with my brother and sister.

This past Sunday when dinner was over, we all ventured into my mom's living room. We were talking about redoing some rooms in my mom's house and that led to my brother and I discussing our houses.

Coming from a family where nothing is given to you, we both had to work hard to be able to afford our houses. Being six years apart from my brother, it's funny that we were looking for houses around the same time back in 2006. Brian and I even went to look at the house my brother bought, before he bought it. After our searches were over and we found our houses, we ended up only being a few minutes apart from each other.

So here we were, at my mom's house, and we were talking about improvements that we had made to our homes. What started out as houses had become homes for both of us. My brother was explaining the horrible colors which were painted in each of his rooms when he moved in. He was also discussing the flooring which he replaced.

That led Brian and I to begin discussing our improvements. The sad things was, I couldn't remember most of them. How could we have spent so much time improving the house in the past four years, yet I couldn't remember what it looked like before?

Because, I didn't want to remember what it looked like before. I found the "before" photos today while playing on the computer. Wow, our house looks nothing like it did when we moved in.

See for yourself, before photos are on the left and after photos are on the right.

The Kitchen:
New appliances, entire floor replaced due to it sinking, new ceramic tile floor, wall paper removed and painted, chair rail, new lighting, carpet, sliding glass doors replaced

The Living Room:

New carpet, ceiling fans, wall paper removed and painted (as you can see from the window, the bushes have been removed and a railing has been added to the front porch

Bathroom 1:

New sink, new toilet, ugly cow towel holder removed, new lighting, wall paper removed and painted, new ceramic tile floor

The Office:
Entire center of floor replaced, new hardwood flooring, panel board removed, wall paper removed and painted, new trim

Bedroom 1:

Border removed and painted, new carpet

The Laundry Room:

New ceramic tile floor, wall paper removed and painted, new lighting

Bathroom 2:
Wall paper removed and painted, new vanity and toilet, new ceramic tile floor

Brian did all of the upgrades, I only helped here and there. He never called a company to come in and remodel, nope, Brian did everything. And these photos are only the inside. The outside is totally different also.

We still have two bedrooms, another bathroom, and a basement that need to be finished. But we have the rest of our years to finish them.

So, I guess this is why I couldn't remember what our house looked like when we moved in. Before, it was just a house. Now, it's our home.

The One Thing

When people ask how long my husband, Brian, and I have been together, I happily respond with "almost 11 years". Brian and I met back in April of 1999. We were both young, he was still in high school and I had just started college.

It was a relationship that grew to become a friendship and turned into a partnership. We are now happily married after all those years.

In the past 11 years, we have encountered many experiences. Happy experiences like our graduations, our engagement, our wedding, and finding out we were going to be parents. And sad experiences like trying forever to become pregnant and the loss of our son.

Throughout all of the experiences though, there is one thing that we have both learned about love.

This is the one thing that has allowed us to continue to move forward, regardless of what life throws our direction.