Before Brian and I lost our son, Wyatt, my life was nothing but chaotic. Between work, family, friends, our house and daily routines, every single second of the entire day was consumed. There wasn't much time to just enjoy each other.
Prior to getting married in 2006, the Catholic church required Brian and I to attend a marriage class. I remember during one of the sessions, the instructor was discussing the fact that once two become one, it becomes tough to divide your time. He said "you will need to divide your time between both of your families, all of your friends, both of your jobs, and after that is complete you will both want to spend time with each other." I remember sitting in the class and thinking, I will never run out of time to spend with Brian. I will always put Brian first.
Over the past few months, I have realized that our marriage class instructor was so right. Sadly, up until the loss of our son, we didn't spend the "right" amount of time with each other. The time we did spend with each other was spent the wrong way. We were rushed. Everything was rushed. Conversations, dinners, weekends, and life.
We even tired to rush a family. After 26 months of trying to conceive on our own and with medications, we finally resorted to IVF. It worked. But in the end, God took our life plans back into his control. You see, we tired to take control of our lives and make our family happen, but God decided it wasn't the right time. We rushed life again, but this time we were corrected for it.
Over the past few months, I have learned that life isn't about rushing. It isn't about pleasing everyone or getting everything that you want when you want it. No, it is about enjoying every single moment. Taking time to enjoy life around you. And understanding your life plan that you have no control over as it was prepared for you before birth.
I suppose I never saw patience in myself prior to our loss. I don't believe I ever saw as much strength in myself either. I never saw the beauty of life nor did I ever understand the importance of balancing my time. Over the past three months, I have developed a great deal of patience and strength. I was sadly introduced to the beauty of life in a way that no parent should ever have to be introduced. I was able to learn more about myselfand this all led me to understand the "mirror of life".
Mr. Amos is correct. Life is mearly a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside you.
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